The Punisher Kills the DC Universe
by G0dslayer
Summary: Frank Castle learns of the strange world he inhabits, taking him on wacky exploits.
1. Prologue

7/2/2016

Castle. My name is Frank Castle. I'm a busy man. Busy killing chumps who dare commit crime or contribute to the shithole that is America's grimey underbelly. I've always put down the hurt on creeps. Fuck. I hate fuckshit criminals and their goddamn crime. I've killed at least fifteen people in the last three days just for burning flags on my property. You might ask, how big is Frank Castle's property? 3.797 million mi². That's right. It's the _United fucking States of A- fucking-merica_ goddamn it. If you don't agree with me, I'm going to have to introduce you to my friends, Reagan and Bush. Don't know what that is? Those are my double double barrel sawed off shotguns with premium scatter rounds for max carnage to rip apart fucking creeps like you who don't know what the significance of Reagan & Bush 84' is you treasonous bitchface! DO YOU KNOW WHO I FUCKING AM? Not only am I a class act A blood type vet in the marines, but I KILLED STILT MAN. Do you know how much of a pussybitch asshole that fuckass was? Of course you don't. I splattered his brains all the way into hippie land California right after I stopped them from seceding single handedly with the old Reag and Bushie. I'm the goddamn fucking Punisher. Don't mess with me or you get the horns. The horns of retribution!


	2. Chapter 1 - I AM RETRIBUTION

**CHAPTER 1 - I AM RETRIBUTION**

 **Audio - Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker theme**

Frank woke up that day as he always did. His Nickelodeon Time Blaster AM/FM Alarm Clock Radio blasted the Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker theme right on cue. It was perfect. His day was already going to be great and he just knew it. Yesterday was a successful day of killing hippie libtards intruding on the premises of the Braxton Bragg apartment complex, but they didn't put up enough of a fight for his liking. Today was the dawn of a new day. A new day of justice! In order to start off a good day, you have to have a good breakfast. Frank's doctor recommended that he takes in 3,842 calories per day, meaning he needs to consume 1280.66666667 calories all three meals to maintain his jumbo form. If breakfast was a political season, today was election day baby!

Rolling over the surface of his 2 inch thick mattress, Frank began to dress himself in his skin tight threads and badass black as fuck boots. "It's time to go to the fuckin Waffle House and eat a shitload of fuckin pancakes with dickholes mmmm," he mumbled to his absolutely empty european white room. His living quarters was nothing to brag about, but it wasn't bad either. He had everything there a murderous sociopathic scumshit vigilante would ever need. He had a full size bed, a closet, a shelf, a sink, and a toilet. Although all of these items occupy the same room, that single room is an ABSOLUTE UNIT. Like, we aren't talking 2018 Boogie2988, we're talking 2007 Boogie2988. It's so big, that shelf alone could fit at least ten books on it. Jesus I wish I could live in an apartment like franky C. man. I mean where I live now is pretty nice but I don't have a whole lot of space. Rent's high but that can be worked around. I just can't really deal with having dial up internet. It's 2018 I'd like some decent internet. What a shit dick landlord.

Anyway, yeah, Frank got up and got in his car or whatever. It's a Chevytruck but he honestly didn't pay attention enough to even know what model. Frank can kill a man in 13 seconds but that man can't research shit. He drove 2.3 mi to get to his nearest Waffle House, as was his tradition. Waffle House was always a gamble for Frank. Either he would sit down and have a great time eating delicious shit tier pancakes or he would be interrupted by "problem workers". Problem workers are simply the employees Frank refuses to have serve him or even talk to. He usually calls in an anonymous bomb threat the night before and tells them what workers to keep home, but he was too busy doing shots and getting laid to remember. None of it mattered now, he was pulling up.

The Punisher hastily flung the cheap frame of the door aside, sending a shockwave of glass shards to cascade down onto the floor. "Clean this up now bitch," he shouted to the female employee seating a couple in front of this. "Excuse me?" the worker demanded. Oh great. First Frank has to ASK a worker to clean up this shit and now they back talk him? Yeah no thanks. The Punisher pulled a Colt 1911 from a side holster, pointing it directly at the vile creature's head. "I HAVE A FAMILY! PLEASE GOD, I'LL CLEAN IT UP," the wench shrieked. Instead of acknowledging her; Frank seated himself, holstering his pistol in the process. A short black haired worker with darker skin approached Mr. Castle in effort to take his order. Frank was already highly annoyed by his last encounter here, so he didn't feel like stirring up much trouble. "Just give me 9 hole pancakes, okay?"

Two minutes later and it was already too fucking long. Shit it's called WAFFLE HOUSE not SAW-MY-DICK-OFF-I'M-SO-BORED-I-SHOULD-HAVE-GONE-TO-MCDONALDS-TO-AVOID-THE-WAIT HOUSE. Frank was about to get up and beat the shit out of the retarded monkeys that comprised of the kitchen staff when a figure rose from the shadows of booth 8. It was James. James had a long history with Frank. He was the 6th grade's most generic gay bitch libtard that could ever be imagined. Vegan, pro-choice, supports women's rights, the works. The Punisher truly hated him.

He really was approaching Frank's booth at an alarming rate. "Oh wow, if it isn't the BIGOTer! Don't you have minorities to beat up?" dipshit retard cried out. "Fuck you," The Punisher quietly exclaimed, pulling out the same 1911 used to terrorize the animal. Frank showed now hesitation, unloading three shots directly into the beta male's legs, sending blood splattering over the breakfasts of the three customers in the vicinity. The soyboy screamed in absolute lead induced agony as the value shop erupted into hellish chaos. "I JUST WANT MY DAMN HOLE CAKES PLEASE GOD," he screamed in effort to calm the crowd. The staff was just used of this by now, so they never paused to begin with. Not seconds later his meal came out. Over the next ten minutes Frank continued to eat his breakfast as recently crippled retard flailed on the ground, receiving no help whatsoever. Licking his plate clean, Frank dropped a single penny on his table and left the tacky foods place after paying for his modest bill.


	3. Chapter 2 - I AM THINKING

**CHAPTER 2 - I AM THINKING**

 **Audio -** **Alphaville -** **Forever Young**

Sunday. _Good day for pondering_ , Frank thought. Mr. Castle wasn't usually the type to set back and think about what he's doing. Hell, he's not the type to think, but today was different. The Punisher rose from his orange and green lawn chair with his head between his hands, cupping his ears. "RAAAAAAAAH", Frank moaned in agony between exasperated sighs. The life of a mercenary isn't an easy one, you have to deal with adversity, cultural norms, variable currency, a careful eye on the stock market, socioeconomic study by population metrics for individual fields of operation, all of it was highly taxing. It's a tax Frank had to pay being he is an upstanding God-fearing citizen of the United States of America.

He slowly moved over to his rustic SANYO 32 inch television with HDMI and USB 3.0 support and pressed hard on the slick power button. With a buzz his television sputters to life. Time to watch the news. Frank was used to all the liberal bullshit. Hippie crap about saving the earth or "political correctness" constantly flooded from the news stations. First today was an article about a petty thief who was released from prison after only 25 years in the keep with little evidence. The media wanted this to look like a good thing! "Bah," Frank grumbled, "It all starts with the progressive liberal media." The Punisher hated to see the world becoming so soft. What happened to good old fashioned conservatism? The lust for imperialism? The desire for religion in our schools? For God's sake what about the Pledge of Allegiance!? What is our world becoming.

He flicked the remote, switching the channel. This one's report was something totally new to him. "FRANK CASTLE (THE PUNISHER) GOES FUCKING MENTAL", the screen displayed proudly. _What is this load of shit..._ , Frank ruminated. Now the station blared garbled audio of a man saying unintelligible dialogue, followed by a bleep. The clip's contents only became more suspect when three gunshots are heard loudly over the recording device. The screen quickly cut to helicopter view of a local Waffle House. A man is being carried out on a stretcher. He's not dead, but he's injured. Suddenly it all made sense.

"JAMES!", Frank screamed in fury, knocking over a nearby lamp and his collection of half drank beers onto the floor. He had forgotten that James was now an investigative reporter for The Young Turks. God damn it he was a treasonous bastard. He had recorded the entire encounter in the Hole Cake vendor.

Frank Castle now wept into the floor, his tears seeping into the baseboards alongside the lukewarm beer. How could this have happened? They have proof that he shot a man for little understandable reason. How can he possibly fight this off? That's when it all made sense. He had to leave the city. He had to take the 12:37 Ferry to Gotham right away. It sounds crazy, but he has a point. What better place is there for scumshit degenerates like him to thrive but Gotham City. Now it wasn't that easy though. He couldn't live there. Property taxes in Gotham are far too high and the high population density would surely mean high amounts of inbreeding, which he did not want to be around. He would need to find somewhere else to live, but for now he just had to leave.

The Punisher quickly packed his five best identical latex suits and about three canisters of toothpaste. He was about ready to go. Frank was leaving his old life behind him. No more Waffle House, no more problem workers, no more anything. Castle dolphin dive kicked through the driver's seat window of the Punisher Van and situated his crotch. It was driving time. Time to drive. To the Ferry.


	4. Chapter 3 - I MISSED THE FUCKING FERRY

**CHAPTER 3 - I MISSED THE FUCKING FERRY**

 **Audio - GosT - "Behemoth"**

Frank spun into the Ferry parking lot as fast as he humanly could without dying of sheer G-Force. Slamming directly into a street lamp, he unbuckled himself to prepare his dramatic exit. As the lamp careened toward the windshield, The Punisher managed to check on the time. _12:43,_ Frank mused to himself. _Great Hera! The huge boat used for hauling cars and living beings across vast stretches of water must have left by now goddamit!_ This wasn't surprising. Frank's perception of time has always been somewhat skewed. With that, Frank leapt from the Punisher Van right before the lamp reached critical mass and demolished the somewhat fragile windshield. Mr. Castle had to get moving fast if he wanted to catch the boat. He opened up the back of his hatewagon and retrieved a syrian refugee's Wal-Mart purchase worth of items. Reagan and Bush? Check. AR-15? Check. Water Skis? Check. Sunscreen? Check. Backpack? Check. Rocket Launcher? KACHECKA GODDAMIT! It was time. "Fuck time!", Frank screamed, bull charging in the direction of the dock.

Frank Castle pulled a pair of Speedo Women's Vanquisher 2.0 Mirrored Goggles over his eyes as he leaned down for maximum aerodynamic potential. No time could be wasted. He needed to escape this hellscape as fast as possible. Frank frog leaped into the air, landing with his feet firmly planted in his water skis. Directly before hitting the cold murky water, Castle whipped out his backpack in anticipation. The ferry was making considerable distance. No matter how amazingly ripped Frank Castle was, it would be difficult to match the speed of a beautiful american made craft. He had to act fast.

Reaching into his bag, Frank pulled out his rocket launcher and a large roll of electrical tape and expired peanut butter. Removing the lid of the peanut butter, The Punisher prepared his combat knife for action. He now dipped the blade into the oily thick substance. Frank savagely spread the contents of the jar over the rim of the rocket launcher, forming a solid ledge. Next, Frank stretched the tape around this ring of peanut butter to create a protective seal. Without saying a word, he attached the rocket launcher to his back with the firing end facing the pale gray sky. That boat was as good as his. Frank spread his legs apart, allowing the brisk breeze to carry him forward ever so subtly. The Punisher slowly brought his hand to his back, seating his finger upon the trigger of the enormous weapon. Frank squeezed down on the quite stiff trigger.

With an enormous blast the rocket exploded out toward the edge of the chamber. Instead of firing outward, the missile caught the seal of peanut butter and dense tape. After extreme resistance, the rocket continued to propel itself forward, taking Frank with it. The Punisher blasted forward at mach 2 from the immense force of the homemade engine. This is EXACTLY what he expected. Frank spread his legs out slightly to adjust to the newfound Sonic the Hedgehog-esque speed. In the distance he could faintly see the ferry approaching.

He was going too fast. He was going WAY too fucking fast to not die instantly. Thankfully, Frank's conservative instincts lead him to formulate a great plan. Castle reached back toward the direction of his back and pulled a string, releasing an enormous "Blue Lives Matter" themed parachute behind him. This instantly started slowing Frank down. Unfortunately, he's still a tad thick in the head and didn't think of the logistics of having an enormous weapon strapped to his back. The parachute instantly caught on fire. "OH GOD OOHH SHIT PLEASE SHIT NO IT'S ON FIRE OH GOD SOMEBODY HELP ME OUT HERE MY PARACHUTE IS ON FIRE I NEED HELP PUTTING THIS OUT I NEED SOME WATER DOES ANYBODY HAVE ANY WATER FOR ME TO POUR ON MY FLAMING BULGING PARACHUTE ANYBODY PLEASE?", Frank Castle whisper yelled out to a vacant God. A stroke of Republican common sense dawned on him when he realized he could just cut the pack off himself. Struggling violently, Frank got a hold of his combat knife once more whilst bending forward as much as humanly possible. The knife dug firmly into the backpack straps and with a meaty *SNAP* the bag flung itself from the American black clad guardian's back.

The flaming deathbag shot forward at a speed nearly incomprehensible. The Punisher stared onward with idiotic confusion as the horrid projectile speared the back of the target ferry. Not one second later, a blast of searing heat creates radiant light upon Frank's face. Fuck. The boat is gone.

Not only is the boat completely gone, but all 2,100 occupants were too.

Frank not only has committed an act of domestic terror at Waffle House, but now he's slaughtered the entirety of a massive ship. The natural reaction would be to mourn the deaths of the many who have just died in a horrific accident, but yeah, Frank's a little brainfucked so Frank's just gonna do Frank. The Punisher headed directly for the flaming shipwreck gradually sinking into the murky depths. Bobbing and weaving around corpses and discarded chunks of metal, Frank honed all of his hand-eye coordination to stay alive on his skis. Passing a cluster of humans (some of which still alive and struggling), Castle headed directly for a giant shard of debris. His form tightened. His eyes slanted. With a defined grunt, The Punisher launched himself off of the ramplike garbage as if he was playing a Stunt Mode race in Wave Race 64. Now that the wreckage was cleared, there was nothing between him and Gotham but the salty shitriver and his own growing moral demons.


	5. CHAPTER 4 - I AM KNOWLEDGE

**CHAPTER 4 - I AM KNOWLEDGE**

 **SONG - DOOM PSX Opening**

Frank arrived at Miller Harbor at approximately 2:04 A.M. Central time despite his extreme escapade. Running from the authorities was nothing new for Frank, but nonetheless he would defend their god given rights and praise their remarkable courage. He had no quarrel with the GCPD. All he needed was refuge. The Punisher's first act in Gotham would be to find shelter as fast as possible. He knew exactly where he could find it. During Frank's time in college, be befriended a kindly KFC worker who went by the name of Mr. Kid. Castle and Kid have had a long history together and have saved each other's hides many a times, yet Frank genuinely does not like to divulge details as to what they did together. That kinda reminds me of this one dude I was friend with back in college. Thomas or something I think? Anyway, he was a pretty big drug user and kept his past pretty secret. I've been good friends with him up until he fuckin died last year from a heroin overdose. His funeral was nice and I gave a little speech on the guy, but I wish he was still there. So hey, Thomas, if you're up there in heaven (or down there in hell you rascal you ;3), please know I still love you bro.

Anyway, Frank hoped he could rely on the old friend for assistance in his time of a mighty need. He had no idea if Kid even worked at the same old place he used to, but he had to find out. That specific KFC was right along the southern edge of the Amusement Mile, meaning Castle would have to through the upper east side, through the Bowery, into Crime Alley, dip into Newtown, and finally show up at the 1970's looking ass chicken bucket. He really just wanted to eat, and not even the hellhounds of hippie death force PETA could stop him.

Twas no match for THE PUNISHER™ to traverse this enormous distance.

Alright so the fuckister instantly headed west. Normally Frank HATED anything remotely related to the left because he read somewhere that the the goddamn liberals suffered from severe brain damage and retardation from their radical communist views. Didn't matter. , Chickenhouse.

Frank scaled the wooden pier and climbed atop the labyrinthian designs of scaffolds that comprised of Miller Harbor. Arriving in Gotham was a very disorienting experience for Castle being it had been 12 entire years since his last escapade in town. Much of this had to do with the resurgence of The Batman. Frank had many enemies in this town and unfortunately, the Bat was one of them. (The Punisher himself told me he could beat the everloving shit out of the presumed virgin Batman any day of the week and I believe him. Have you seen Frank? His pecks are MASSIVE! A big boy if I've ever seen one.)

AUTHOR's NOTE= *Hi there, I hope you are enjoying this story. I'm the narrator but I want to break character to say that imo the Punisher is super cool and muuuuch bigger than Batman in terms of physical size.*

The Punisher was fully aware that navigating Gotham would be no easy task, but he had to do it anyway. For Mr. Kid, for safety, for survival, for the KFC Nashville Hot Chicken **(220 CALORIES. 9 CARBS (G)**. **16 TOTAL FAT (G). 460 SODIUM (MG) per tender)**. Frank snapped out of it. He had to focus. Climbing the cracked concrete stairs, he assessed the state of this section of Gotham. Complete shitheap. Layers of dirt and grime stacked upon the shattered paved roads. Garbage layed strewn over the sidewalks, leaving little untouched walk space for pedestrians. Good thing The Punisher was no pedestrian, he was a SOLDIER of AMERICA and the FIFTY UNITED SOVEREIGN STATES!

Not only were the shriveled streets of Gotham dirty with waste product, but living garbage as well. Raccoons, rats, multi-ethnics, and insects found their homes in the streets of this once beloved city. "By my balls…" Castle trailed off into the frigid air. The Punisher now began hurriedly walking down the half residential, half industrial avenue. Crack after crack the rot of Gotham became more and more evident.

***REAL AUTHOR'S NOTE***

Holy fuck guys. This has been on my hard drive for nearly TWO YEARS. I am not editing this shit. You get what you fucking get. Might make another chapter, i dunno. Lemme know if you like it. Kinda weird that you asshats are even reading this dumbass story. Fuck you.


End file.
